Do I have a right to feel the way I do about a baby shower?

Question

Told my MIL about the baby shower I envisioned. wanted both sides of our families to attend the baby shower at my family residence because there is more space. Surprisingly my MIL said she was having a baby shower also just her immediate family only. Has baby shower decorations finished & ready to go. She never mentioned to me anything or even asked what I thought about it or how I pictured I would have liked my baby shower.  I mentioned to her that is nice and all but want to have one event only with both sides of the family come. She still kept saying we are having one here. second time i told her again the same thing. But still didn’t refuse. I told my husband that he needs to talk to his mom about this and I didn’t approve of it. It seemed like she said okay. Two days later I thought & believing it was settled and over with i asked my husband to ask his mom of how many people she wanted to invite to get the cake order in and other stuff. Shockingly she said that it was not necessary and she was doing her own shower. I was appalled and upset. To add more fuel she said I've been waiting for this day, I'm a proud grandma and I want to throw a shower for my baby. I felt she disrespected me, does not value me as a DIL and crossed my boundaries. Now it created tension between my husband and I because he wants to make his mother happy but completely betrayed me and showed me no support. He even stated he won’t be going to my shower unless i go to his mother’s also.

♠ Merlin ♠ · Accepted Answer

Oh dear. She has completely railoraded you and sadly your husband isnt supporting you the way he should. OK we understand he doesnt want to upset his mother, but, he vowed to support you.
Your shower includes everyone, I cant fathom why she wants to be seen as the main host for their family only.

Your husband saying he wont go to your shower would be the final straw for me. Fine, dont go. Let him sulk with his mommy. They are trying to railroad you, where will that end?
They will look foolish having a baby shower with no mother to be there. I just couldnt be manipulated by them like they are trying. MIL needs to learn her place, today

antonius · Answer

You can try one thing; call your MIL and politely tell her,  since your are the mother to be of the baby, that you will decide such things, and you already decided to have the shower at your mother's house, and that she is invited as others are, too.  When she starts giving you some excuses for a reason that she is having a shower at her house, remind her again, that you already made arrangement for your baby's shower, and that you can't attend both.  Then say, I have some things to do, but I will talk with you later perhaps after my baby's shower at my parents' house.  Hope to see you there; gotta run bye.  And leave it at that.

Anonymous · Answer

Take a deep breath. This has gone sideways really fast, as it happens when dealing with in-laws. You’re MIL is going to be a heifer about this baby shower. When I first read your post I assumed that your MIL wanted to throw you a second shower, which really is a nice thing for her to do. She’s excited about becoming a grandmother and wants to share the event in a more private setting. But rereading your post it seems that she isn’t attending the shower at your mothers house ( the main shower) and that’s just an odd thing for her to do. 
If I were you I’d let it go. Reacting is only going to cause her to fuel the situation. Your husband is not going to take sides. Even though I’m sure he wants to side with you, he is not going to upset his mother ( men are cowards- they disappoint us all the time, get use to it) 
I would send out an invitation to MIL, if she shows , she shows. Don’t even think twice about it if she doesn’t show.
If your MIL throws a baby shower for you, go and enjoy it. Don’t let her ruin your day
Good luck!!!!

Peter · Answer

Do not attend your MIL’s baby shower and inform your husband you will not be attending.

Trish · Answer

I wouldn't go and let the chips fall where they may.  If his mother is going to disregard you she can just not have you there.  Let her have a shower. good Luck and God Bless you.

? · Answer

You have a right to feel any way that you choose.
If I was the hubby, I would simply say, "I'm not in it.  It's between the two of you.  I'll support whatever you decide to do."

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Rick · Answer

You're husband is stuck in a no-win situation, so don't blame him.  It's not up to him to fix things.

You're the one who has the power in this situation.  You can choose to boycott your MIL's baby shower, or you can choose to attend it and be grateful that she's having one for you.  It's not how you want it to be, but she's going to a lot of work to make you happy.

Foofa · Answer

Can't really have much of a baby shower if the mom-to-be doesn't show up. Time to remind your husband that divorce is hard on kids and that this is where you're headed if he doesn't start having your with his mom. Baby showers are silly and this isn't a big deal... But if you don't set some ground rules now she's going to feel free to plan your child's life and you'll be relegated to third wheel in your own kid's childhood.

Pearl · Answer

i think you have a right to feel that way

Anonymous · Answer

So cancel both showers and pay for what the baby needs by yourself.  I think these "bring a gift" occasions are a waste of time and money.  You seem VERY much a part of planning YOUR baby shower.  Why not just send notes to people asking for money?

Do I have a right to feel the way I do about a baby shower?

19 Answers