shaktimaan

I can help for any technical details. (Engineering)

I can help you in that for any technical details (in engineering)

Medical Distinctions

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

this virus has disabled task manager in my laptop.

pls. help me.

i am using dial up connection so unable to download it due to slow speed.

my e mail ID is

naizm_31@yahoo.co.in

Ek bar ek Shopping Mall ne ek naya Marathi salesman hire kiya. Sale badhne lagi ----- din dugni, raat chauguni.

Boss ne socha is ladke se mujhe milna hai. Boss Mall par aaya, usne dekha ladka ek customer ko fishing-rod bechraha tha.

Woh door ***** ho kar hi usko customer se deal karte dekhne lagaa. Ladke ne fishing-rod bech di. Customer ne kaha kitne rupaye, ladka bola Rs.800/-.

Yeh kahkar ladke ne customer ke shoes dekhe aur bola, itne mehange shoes pahankar fishing karne jayenge? Ek sport shoe bhi kharid lijiye, customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye.

Ab ladke ne kaha talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap bhi kharid lijiye to theek rehega, customer ne cap bhi kharid li. Ab ladke ne kaha, machli pakadne mein bahut intezar karna padega, kuchch eatables, wafer, biscuits, bhi le jayiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid liye. Ladka bola machli pakdenge to rakhenge kahan ? Yeh ek Rs.100/- ki basket bhi le lijiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid li.

Ab total bill bana Rs.2000/- ka.

Boss bahut khush hua. Usne ladke ko bulaya aur kaha, tum to kamal ke salesman ho. Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane ayaa . . aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good.

Ladka bola, ' Sir, woh aadmi to 'Stayfree' napkin kharidane ayaa tha uski biwi ke liye, maine kaha, char din tu ghar par kya karega, '"Jaa Machli Pakad'"

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those

Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes

Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom, She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."

.

.

.

.

His funeral services will be held on Friday.

--

Tit For Tat

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er... Excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice : " NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.

The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH"

Talking parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American,

" You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now I have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years."After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

The American continued,

My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.

And you say you have family problems.... Give me a break!!"

When GIRL is quite,

Millions of things are running in her mind.

When a GIRL is not arguing,

She is thinking deeply.

When GIRL looks at u with eyes full of ques.,

She is wondering how long u will be around.

When GIRL answers " I am Fine" after few minutes,

She is not at all fine.

When a GIRL stares at u,

She is wondering why u r lying.

When a GIRL lays on ur chest,

She is wishing for u to be hers forever.

When a GIRL calls u everyday,

She is seeking for ur attention.

When a GIRL sms's u everyday,

She wants u reply at least once.

When a GIRL says I Love You,

She means it.

When GIRL says that she can't live without you,

She has made up her mind that you r her future.

When GIRL says "I miss you",

No one in this world can miss u more than her.

Deep Silent Love

- a short story -

From the very Beginning, the girl's family objected strongly on her dating this guy. Saying that it has got to do with family background & that the girl will have to suffer for the rest of her life if she were to be with him.

Due to family's pressure, the couple quarrel very often. Though the girl love the guy deeply, but she always ask him: "How deep is your love for me?" As the guy is not good with his words, this often cause the girl to be very upset. With that & the family's pressure, the girl often vent her anger on him. As for him, he only endure it in silence.

After a couple of years, the guy finally graduated & decided to further his studies in overseas. Before leaving, he proposed to the girl: "I'm not very good with words. But all I know is that I love you. If you allow me, I will take care of you for the rest of my life. As for your family, I'll try my best to talk them round. Will you marry me?"

The girl agreed, & with the guy's determination, the family finally gave in & agreed to let them get married. So before he leave, they got engaged.

The girl went out to the working society, whereas the guy was overseas, continuing his studies. They sent their love through emails & phone calls. Though it's hard, but both never thought of giving up.

One day, while the girl was on her way to work, she was knocked down by a car that lost control. When she woke up, she saw her parents beside her bed. She realized that she was badly injured. Seeing her mum crying, she wanted to comfort her. But she realized that all that could come out of her mouth was just a sigh. She has lost her voice......

The doctors says that the impact on her brain has caused her to lose her voice. Listening to her parents' comfort, but with nothing coming out from her, she broke down.

During the stay in hospital, besides silence cry,.....it's still just silence cry that companied her. Upon reaching home, everything seems to be the same. Except for the ringing tone of the phone. Which pierced into her heart every time it rang. She does not wish to let the guy know. & not wanting to be a burden to him, she wrote a letter to him saying that she does not wish to wait any longer. With that, she sent the ring back to him. In return, the guy sent millions & millions of reply, and countless of phone calls,.. all the girl could do, besides crying, is still crying....The parents decided to move away, hoping that she could eventually forget everything & be happy.

With a new environment, the girl learn sign language & started a new life. Telling herself everyday that she must forget the guy. One day, her friend came & told her that he's back. She asked her friend not to let him know what happened to her. Since then, there wasn't anymore news of him.

A year has passed & her friend came with an envelope, containing an invitation card for the guy's wedding. The girl was shattered. When she open the letter, she saw her name in it instead.

When she was about to ask her friend what's going on, she saw the guy standing in front of her. He used sign language telling her "I've spent a year's time to learn sign language. Just to let you know that I've not forgotten our promise. Let me have the chance to be your voice. I Love You. With that, he slipped the ring back into her finger. The girl finally smiled.

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

· The number of companies listed on the Bombay Stock Exchange, at more than 6,000, is second only to NYSE.

· Four out of 10 Silicon Valley startups are run by Indians.

· With 800 movies per year , India's film industry overshadows Hollywood.

· The organized lottery market in India is US$7bn (2% of GDP)

· India consumes a fifth of the world's gold output.

· Indians account for 45% of H1-B visas issued by the US every year

· Growing at 6%, in 25 years Indian GDP(on a PPP basis) will be at the same level the US is at today

· Six Indian ladies have won Miss Universe/Miss World titles over the past 10 years.

· Bank deposits in India roughly equal 50% of its GDP C again, among the highest in the world.

· Indian Railways is the largest railway network in the world under single management

· India has the third largest army in the world, nearly 1.5 million strong.

· India is the largest producer and consumer of tea in the world, accounting for more than 30% of global production and 25% of consumption.

· India is the world's premier center for diamond cutting and polishing. Nine out of every 10 stones sold in the world pass through India.

· India has the highest number of annual bulk drugs filings (77) with USFDA.

· India is home to the largest number of pharmaceutical plants (61) approved by USFDA outside the US.

· India's Hero Honda is the world's largest motorcycle manufacturer, with 2002 production of 1.7m units.

· Other than US and Japan, India is the only country to have built a super computer indigenously.

· Indian Railways is the largest employer in the world, with a staff of 1.6 million people.

· India is the second largest cement producing country in the world, producing more than 110 m tones.

· Of the fortune 500 companies, 220 outsource their software-related work to India .

· There are 8,500 Indian restaurants in the U.K.15% of the country's total dining-out establishments.

· India is the largest democracy in the world, with nearly 400m voting in the last national elections.

· India has the second-largest pool of scientists and engineers in the world.

· India has the third largest investor base in the world

· According to the Gemological Institute of America, up until 1896, India was the only source of diamonds.

· The Kumbh Mela festival, held every 21 years in the city of Allahabad, attracts 25 million people CE more than the population of 185 of the 227 countries in the world.

· The Indian city of Varanasi, also known as Banaras , is the oldest continuously inhabited city in the world today.

· There are 3.22 million Indians in the US.

· Indians are the richest immigrant class in the US, with nearly 200,000 millionaires.

· India is ranked the sixth country in the world in terms of satellite launches.

· There are over 70,000 bank branches in India - among the highest in the world.

Love is holding hands in the street.

Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.

Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.

Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.

Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.

Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.

Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .

Love is losing your appetite.

Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.

Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love.

Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.

Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

Conclusion: "Love is blind , Marriage is an eye opener!"

1.Italian Girl

Woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said,

"Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!"

2.An Intelligent Woman

One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the

lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies.

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the woman.

"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.

Oh these females!

If you kiss her,

you are not a gentleman

If you don`t,

you are not a man

If you praise her,

she thinks you are lying

If you don`t,

you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes,

you are a wimp

If you don`t,

you are not understanding

If you visit her often,

she thinks you are boring

If you don`t,

she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed,

she says you are a playboy

If you don`t,

you are a dull boy

If you are jealous,

she says it`s bad

If you don`t,

she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance,

she says you didn`t respect her

If you don`t,

she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late,

she complains it`s hard to wait

If she is late,

she says that`s a girl`s way

If you visit another man,

you`re not putting in "quality time"

If she is visited by another woman,

"oh it`s natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while,

she professes you are cold

If you kiss her often,

she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street,

you lack ethics

If you do,

she thinks it`s just one of men`s tactics for seduction

If you stare at another woman,

she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared by other men,

she says that they are just admiring

If you talk,

she wants you to listen

If you listen,

she wants you to talk

Impossible

90-year-old man went to the doctor for his annual checkup.

Doctor : How are you feeling ?

Old Man : I am feeling better."I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & is about to delivered a child.

The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me tell you a story.

"I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting.

But,one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.He was walking in the woods near a creek,and suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM!

The lion drops dead in front of him."

Old Man : "That's impossible!". Someone else must have shot that lion.

Doctor : "Exactly"... that's what I want to tell you.

Bright Indian Boy

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam who entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said .

"Very good!"

Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar.

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians," "Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer,1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious,another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"

Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy,2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're fucked!" and Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."